Jokes

Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.​


After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"​


"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.​

A bear walks into a bar the bear said, " I'll have a whiskey and a.................. Coke." The bartender asked, "Why the big pause?" The bear said, "I don't know, I guess I was born with them."

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

@Ghost-of-a-Duke

Why can't you trick an unemployed jester?


Because he's nobody's fool!

"What is the quickest way to Cork?" I asked an Irish farmer.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked.
"Driving" I replied.
"That would be the fastest way," he answered.

A man answers the door.
"Hello I am the piano tuner."
"I did not order my piano to be tuned."
"Your neighbours did."

@ponderable said
A man answers the door.
"Hello I am the piano tuner."
"I did not order my piano to be tuned."
"Your neighbours did."

You guys in America call it an 'elevator' while us chaps in the UK call it a 'lift.'

I guess we're just raised differently.

My wife recently said to me “you’re so immature”

It told her to “get out of my fort”

My wife just informed that she is pregnant.
I told her I wish she was a light bulb to which she replied " why? So you can turn me on and off"
No sweetheart. You can unscrew a lightbulb.

The midget fortune teller who killed his customers is a small medium at large.

I saw a midget getting pick pocketed yesterday.
I confronted the thief and said 'how can you stoop so low.'

Q: What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

@earl-of-trumps said
Q: What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

@suzianne said
This is why people refer to America as a "melting pot".

We have 200 (picking a number out of the air) cultures, and each one is part of America's culture.