Jokes

So this should have been posted in "Posers and Puzzeles"

mandatory joke:

I'm terrified of elevators, I've been taking steps to avoid them.

@ponderable said
So this should have been posted in "Posers and Puzzeles"

mandatory joke:

I'm terrified of elevators, I've been taking steps to avoid them.

@suzianne said
You don't live in the US, either.

Almost every elevator I've ever been in, the words are rubbed right off the Door Close button from overuse.

@badradger said
in the uk 3 story buildings are ground ,first & second i woud assume that no matter what upper floor u visited the ground floor button is most used.

@ponderable said
So this should have been posted in "Posers and Puzzeles"

Mandatory joke:

I want to fix the roof at our shop, but my boss says only he is allowed to make that decision...
The problem is over my head.

@fmf said
Whatever. You got it wrong and badradger got it right.

mandatory joke:

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"

The Englishman looks confused and replies, "I'm sorry, my good man, I didn't understand a word of that! I'm English and on a walking holiday!"

The shepherd smirks and says, "I said use both hands; you'll get more water that way!"

@suzianne said
Your sense of humor is as dessicated as dive's.

@fmf said
There is a three-storey building with a lift.

There is a dentist on the ground floor.

There is a psychiatrist on the first floor.

There is a prostitute on the third floor.

Which button in the lift gets pressed the most often?

A guy comes home completely drunk one night and is met by his scowling wife. "Where have you been?" she asks. He says "I've been at the Golden Saloon, it's a great place," he explained. "Everything is made of gold. It's got doors made of gold. It's got floors made of golden. It's even got urinals made of gold".

The next day she called to check his story. She found the number for the Golden Saloon. She asked the bartender "Do you have doors made of gold?" Yes we do he said. "Do you have floors made of gold?" Yes we do, he said. "And do you have urinals made of gold?" she asked. Then she could hear the bartender shouting to his friend. "Hey Duke I think I've found the person who pissed in your saxophone."

Michael and Alex are walking in the jungle when they come across a large angry looking lion. As they slowly back away, Michael bends to tie his shoes.
“How is tying your shoes going to help you outrun the lion?”, asks Alex
“I don’t have to outrun the lion, I only have to outrun you.”, replies Michael

partyboob spelt backwards is a boobytrap

ain't it the truth

The principal yelled loudly at the balloon for bringing a pin to school,
“You’ve let your teacher down!”
“You’ve let your fellow students down!”
“You’ve let the whole school down!!!”

today i learned the german word for brassiere
stoppemfromfloppen