Jokes

What's the best gift you can give someone? A broken drum. No one can beat it.

A turtle was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails. The police asked him what happened. He said, I don't know; it all happened so fast.

I used to work at a chemical factory but I had to quit.

It was a toxic environment.

@fmf said
What's the best gift you can give someone? A broken drum. No one can beat it.

Stealing jokes from PTerry is low.

@shallow-blue said
Stealing jokes from PTerry is low.

I've no idea who "PTerry" is. And all the jokes I post are the result of "stealing".

What do you call a zombie who writes music?

A decomposer.

Paddy and Mick were in a two seater plane that started to lose power, Paddy turned to Mick and said, 'Mick, if this plane turns upside down will we fall out?' Mick replied, 'Don't be daft Paddy we've been friends for years.'

Father O'Malley takes Rabi Rabinowicz to his first ever boxing match.
The two sat and watched the boxers get ready to fight, and just as the bell sounds,
one of the boxers blesses himself.

Rabi Rabinowicz says, "Father O'Malley, what does that mean", while mimicking the boxer.
"Not a damn thing if he doesn't know how to box", said the reverend.

@Earl-of-Trumps

Rabbi. Courtesy of the spelling Stasi.

TU from me, Earl.

My grandfather used to say that, back in the day, he could go down to the shop with two pounds in his pocket and come out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, some cheese, and even some butter. Nowadays, though, he said, they have cameras everywhere.

The hardest part of making skimmed milk is throwing the cows across the lake.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
The hardest part of making skimmed milk is throwing the cows across the lake.

Just don't ask how they make chocolate milk. Or strawberry!

@ghost-of-a-duke said
The hardest part of making skimmed milk is throwing the cows across the lake.

I thought they used hover crafts.

I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn't stop telling me jokes.

The store clerk said "that isn't a lizard, it is a stand up chameleon."

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn't stop telling me jokes.

The store clerk said "that isn't a lizard, it is a stand up chameleon."

Or maybe he thinks he is Eddie Lizzard