Jokes

Two of my neighbors came over to tell me they had some news.
I said, "Well, give it to me straight".

They asked me if I wanted the bad news or the good news first. I said, "give me the bad news first".

Vieux T-Merde then told me they found my neighbor's wife floatin' face down in da by-you.
I said, "Mai's oh no, c'est pas Bon, avec la grimace".

I asked, "Mai's whus da good news"?
T-merde il a dit ca (said that) , "Hawk, we caught 2 dozen blue crabs off of her. We gunna run her again, tomorrow".

A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer.

-"Yes Sir, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

-"I was in Vietnam for 2 years. I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

-"Well, a landmine blew up just between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

-The surprised applicant asked, "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

The interviewer responded, "Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I should be honest with you... nothing gets done before 10 o'clock: We just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first."

My wife asked why I spoke so softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening !
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, Siri laughed.

@very-rusty said
Actually it is 4 seasons Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. 😉

-VR

Dunedin has 4 seasons too. ... Most days!

@whodey said
I never knew my real shtt, I only knew my step shtt. Very sad story

Incidentally, you spelled Trumfp wrong

you want a joke? THREE people thumbed up my statement😉

@sonhouse
I'm opening an oral health clinic, we are going to call it Bad Breath and Beyond.....

- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.

-No I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

@wolfe63 said
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.

-No I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

Hey! I resemble that remark~

When you were born you were so ugly the nurse slapped your mother.

a penguin's car breaks down in the desert
a local mechanic tells him he will check it out
penguin goes to the grocery store looking for a freezer
finds one stocked up with ice cream
begins to eat ice cream with flippers and makes a huge mess
gets chased out of the grocery store and heads back to the shoppe
mechanic looks up from under the hood of the car and says
"looks like you've blown a seal"
penguin says
"nope, it's just ice cream"

@rookie54
an oldie but a goldie


edit: in two years time you might get 3 thumbs up!

Another oldie...

Two guys walk into a pub and the 1st guy says “I’ll have a pint and the same for this jackass”, pointing to the 2nd guy.
The barman looks furtively between them and carries on.

Next day same guys, same thing. Barman again looks at the 2nd guy wondering...

Third day same guys same thing. Barman is done and asks the 2nd guy “hey, why does he keep calling you a jackass?”

2nd guy says “eeyor eeyor eeyorways calls me that”

Ban all democrat Congressmen and not guns

Think about it, statistically the odds of a gun being used in a crime than a democrat Congressman.

@The-Gravedigger

SIRIOUSLY!

@whodey said
Ban all democrat Congressmen and not guns

Think about it, statistically the odds of a gun being used in a crime than a democrat Congressman.

You left out a verb, there, Hoss.