Jokes

@torunn said
Thank you. I trust you are having a nice Easter holiday?

Great Joke!!! 😉

-VR

@very-rusty said
Great Joke!!! 😉

-VR

And yours! 🙂

@torunn said
And yours! 🙂

I guess we both ended up in the wrong thread! 😉

-VR

@torunn said
Thank you. I trust you are having a nice Easter holiday?

Yes, albeit one filled with exhaustive activity. Buona Pasqua!

Anyway, how many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
- Only one. After that, it’s not empty anymore.

On his 74th birthday, my next-door neighbor got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on an Indian reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3’. When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4’”, the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon”.

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back to the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bull$#itter. He's never been out of the yard. . . . .

@great-big-stees said
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, ...[text shortened]... re you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bull$#itter. He's never been out of the yard. . . . .

Good one!

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
- He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.


I invented a new word: "Plagiarism!"

@wolfe63 said
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
- He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.


I invented a new word: "Plagiarism!"

Joe Biden insists that you define the word Plagiarism.

@whodey said
Joe Biden insists that you define the word Plagiarism.

So did Melania Trump.

'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

@great-big-stees said
'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, ...[text shortened]... le girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Another good one, keep em coming

@kevcvs57 said
Another good one, keep em coming

Thanks. Every so often they come back to me from the hinterland of my brain.

@great-big-stees said
Thanks. Every so often they come back to me from the hinterland of my brain.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"