Jokes

@suzianne said
You left out a verb, there, Hoss.

Stop being so picky, miss spelling cop!!! 😛

-VR

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian ?

Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

Little Akio in History Class..................

The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.


"The teacher snapped at her class! "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945"

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Damn, we’re screwed."
Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."

Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

@the-gravedigger said
Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

- Periodically, it's nice to joke about the elements.

- I mean, I used to know a lot of science jokes, but now they Argon.

Actually though, I've just read a book about Helium.
- It was so good, I couldn't put it down.

So a photon walks into a hotel.
The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?"
- The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

Did you know that photons have mass?
- I didn't either, who knew that they're Catholic?

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

Now give me back my dog."

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.


THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:


THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey? Regards, Alan.

I hate Russian dolls.
So full of themselves.

A photon checks into a hotel.
The porter asks if he has any luggage.
No, he replies, I'm travelling light.

@the-gravedigger said
A photon checks into a hotel.
The porter asks if he has any luggage.
No, he replies, I'm travelling light.

Hey, I just told that joke.
You "Milton Berle" you!

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card.

- Get well soon!

"You can't have everything -- where would you keep it?"

-- Steven Wright

@caissad4 said
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian ?

Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

This is funny because Jehovah's Witnesses are Unitarians.

@very-rusty said
Stop being so picky, miss spelling cop!!! 😛

-VR

That's grammar cop to you.

Parts of speech have nothing to do with spelling.

@suzianne said
This is funny because Jehovah's Witnesses are Unitarians.

Well... they're non-trinitarians. Whether their highly idiosyncratic beliefs also qualify as unitarian-with-a-lower-case-u is debatable (and I'd go even further, but let's not, here). What they certainly are not is Unitarian-with-a-capital-U, that is, members of one of the officially so called Unitarian Churches.

OK, that wasn't funny. As penance, here is a joke from my school days.
Why does the pope wear swimming trunks in the shower? Because he doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.

@suzianne said
That's grammar cop to you.

Parts of speech have nothing to do with spelling.

Korrect!
It's just -
nowns
ajektivs
vurbs
add-vurbs
prepersitions