Jokes

planted a tree today and my shovel got all hippie on me,

"can you dig it?"

@rookie54
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?





Homeless.....

"Dad, we have a small get-together at school tomorrow."
Dad: "Small? Who else is coming?"
"Me, you, and the principal..."

Wait a second!

Democrats, if Trump is not your president how then can you impeach him?

Then again, you must impeach him as fast as possible, otherwise, you all may end up with jobs.

Horrific!!!

Russian bots alert!

Oops, false alarm. Only one.

@coquette said
Russian bots alert!

Oops, false alarm. Only one.

Yesterday, Vice President Pence asked Donald Trump "Do you think Putin will ever relinquish the presidency?”

-Trump responded, “Of course! Immediately after the coronation!”
Pence immediately changed subjects.

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.

”Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough said the Irishman, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name."Who's there?" he called out."Moe! It's me Sam!""Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked."It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him."Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied."Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven.""That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?""Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

This morning I saw a woman who was talking to her dog in a way that obviously meant that she thought the dog actually understood her.

When I got home I told my cat ... we laughed a lot.

What's the difference between a KKK hood and a MAGA hat ?
The KKK hood is made in America .

Apparently I'm colour blind.
All these years and I never knew. The diagnosis came right out of the purple.

Jussie Smollet just got an Emmy for being the best actor that was not in a show.

Well done Jussie!

If you think that Mexico is only sending drug dealers and rapists ,
but also worry that Mexicans are also going to take your job.....
…..What the hell do you do for a living ???

What do you call a cult that's hard to get into?
- Difficult.

Did you hear about the cult which centers on the worship of testicles?
- They're sacrilegious.

What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
- In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshyt. In a religion that person is dead.

I was going to make a Jones-town cult joke:
- But the punch line's too long.

Cults are like tech support.
-They tell you all of your problems will be solved if you just delete your cash.

@wolfe63 said
What do you call a cult that's hard to get into?
- Difficult.

Did you hear about the cult which centers on the worship of testicles?
- They're sacrilegious.

What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
- In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshyt. In a religion that person is dead.

I was going to make a Jones-town cult joke:
- But the punch line's ...[text shortened]... like tech support.
-They tell you all of your problems will be solved if you just delete your cash.

Nominate for "Joke of the Year" . . . Not joking. Of course it's only January . . .