Jokes

Three presidents happen to die together at a Christmas Eve banquet. They approach the Pearly Gates together and Peter says to them, "Since it's Christmas Eve, each of you must present some indication of Christmas spirit before I decide whether to let you pass."

Donald Trump steps up first, pulls a lighter out of his pocket, flicks it on, and says, "See! It's a candle! An Advents candle!"

Peter: "OK, you may pass."

Obama steps up, pulls a ring of keys out of his pocket and shakes them; "Jingle bells," he says.

Peter: "OK, you may pass."

Bill Clinton steps up, rummages around in all his pockets several times; at last, he pulls out a pair of women's panties.

Peter raises an eyebrow sceptically.

Clinton: "These are Carol's."

I don't know where to begin. It must be because of my bipolar.
That means I can speak Polish in two different languages.

I have some great blond jokes but the last time I tried telling them in here, I got a PM from a Swedish woman telling me to behave. Ha!

@earl-of-trumps said
I don't know where to begin. It must be because of my bipolar.
That means I can speak Polish in two different languages.

I have some great blond jokes but the last time I tried telling them in here, I got a PM from a Swedish woman telling me to behave. Ha!

That might have been me. 🙂

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
- They should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

- When asked if they would have sex with Donald Trump; 86% of prostitutes in New York City said..."Not again."

Did you hear about Stormy Daniels becoming a Democrat?
- The Republicans left a bad taste in her mouth.

@wolfe63 said
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
- They should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

- When asked if they would have sex with Donald Trump; 86% of prostitutes in New York City said..."Not again."

Did you hear about Stormy Daniels becoming a Democrat?
- The Republicans left a bad taste in her mouth.

I beg your pardon?

You owe an apology to diapers, urine, and feces.

@torunn said
That might have been me. 🙂

Say, you look wonderfully familiar!

One I found at a list:

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

Has anyone noticed that the gas stations now charge $1.50 to pump air in your tires and it used to be free?

Do you know why? Why inflation, of course.

Three things that did not hang themselves. Christmas ornaments, dry wall, and Jeffrey Epstein.

A Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping centre. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do she called him on his mobile.

The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up …

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the motorcycle shop next door to that.

@drewnogal said
A Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping centre. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do she called him on his mobile.

The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?
I could no ...[text shortened]... "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the motorcycle shop next door to that.

Thanks for the healthy morning belly laugh.

"Truth is often comical." (My wife's words)

@drewnogal said
A Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping centre. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do she called him on his mobile.

The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?
I could no ...[text shortened]... "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the motorcycle shop next door to that.

Sounds like my father. 🙂

What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?

- One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, while the other is just a dirigible.

I accidentally threw my wallet in the wash today.

Do does that mean my laundered money is no longer dirty?