Jokes

Jerry Guild
4.0 out of 5 starsA good joke ,is a good joke ,regardless of its source!
November 6, 2007 - Published on Amazon.com
When I came across this book of jokes,I just had to have it for my collection. There are several things worth commenting on with this book;so let me have a go at it;as the "Brits" might say.When one lives in a country like Canada,humor is a mish- match of humor from just about everywhere else. There are a few jokes about Canada and Canadians ,but what can be funny about Canoes,Beavers,Indians and Eskimos(oops,sorry about that,the political correct terms are Inuits,Native peoples and we're still looking for a "correct" label for beaver,and it's not "Water rat".I'm not surprised that you haven't heard a Canadian joke;they're not too common or even very good.Here's an example,"What's the difference between a Canadian Tourist and a canoe?..A Canadian tourist doesn't tip." So,for a laugh ,we turn on our most recent addition to our country,Newfoundland,who for some unknown reason joined Canada on April,1st ,1948...April Fools Day!!. They are called "Newfies" by themselves as well as the rest of us.The Newfies don't object to that label because to call them Canadians is politically incorrect...not to the rest of us ,but to them. As a matter of fact they are loved by all Canadians and both Newfies and Canadians feel it was the Government who pulled the joke on them. Here's an example of a Newfie joke. "An old Newfie fisherman died. His last wish was to be buried at sea. Sadly,his 3 sons drowned digging the grave."
Now back to the book,it was first published in Australia and Britain in 1998 and copyright 1995; and reprinted at least 14 times in '98,'99,'00,'01,'02 and '03.,; so most of the jokes have been around for some time. There is a lot of American political jokes about the Clintons,and nothing much at all from Britain or Australia. This surprised me. I often swap jokes with a friend who grew up in Korea. I once asked him how come he doesn't have any jokes from Korea. His reply was,"When you live in Korea,nothing's funny!.Maybe that's the problem with Britain.
A lot of the jokes in the book have been circulating for a long time but still retain their humor. Quite frankly,the jokes about computers and the net are quite dull,but then again this whole world is more about frustration than humor;at least to non-geeks.
If you like jokes that are quite long and end in a pun,you'll find many of this type here.
Towards the end of the book ,the authors have switched gears with a section called GIGGLE-BYTES;which includes things like; 27 definitions for IBM ,such as Industry's Biggest Mistake. A good number of Aphorisms,a bunch of "As much use as:--"A blind lifeguard","Condom Slogans","Forty-seven things that never happen in Star Trek","Mistakes made by Adolf Hitler",a large number of "Not the Full Quid",or as I like to call them "Insults",such as;"He couldn't write a dialogue foe a porno flick", "Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney",or this one for teckies, "One bit short of a byte" and many more.
All in all,a pretty good collection of 450 pages of humor and as they say ;"Something old,something new ,something borrowed and something blue".

-VR

I tried to donate blood the other day...
I'll never do that again... so many questions, so irritating...
Where did you get it?
Why so many?
why is it in a bucket...
Some people...

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

I Love playing chess with people I meet in the park, however, it's really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to take part.

So my atheist friend who plays chess had a near death experience last Christmas. So there face to face with the devil himself, but he was astonished to hear Christmas music in the background. A who else does he see? He sees Bobby Fischer and Paul Morphy playing chess together to the tune of, "Chess nuts roasting on an open fire........."

At a Police stop: "Identify yourself"
Man Looks into the rearview mirror: "No doubt, that's me."

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”

A cannibal goes into a butcher shop to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

@moonbus said
13:45 - The sun came out and melted the snow 'beings'; now you're indicted for allowing evidence in a criminal case to be destroyed.

Curses!

Saw this on LinkedIn and thought I’d share it here...


An Airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player". The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die."

So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die."

So he took the second pack and left the plane.

The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a ten-year-old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have many more years ahead, so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, your holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

A FISHING STORY

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So, the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. And thus, the symbol of the democrat party was born. The practice is unbroken to this very day…

So a teacher told her class how evil Donald Trump was one day and asked if anyone supported him. A little girl in the back boldly raised her hand, "Why I support him", the child retorted. "Well..........." said the teacher clearly annoyed, "Why is that, everyone else here hates his guts!" The girl responded, well my parents support him so I do as well, just like my friends who hate him because you do or their parents do." The teacher retorted, "So what if your father was an idiot and your mother was a criminal?", to which the child responded, "Well then I'd be a democrat."

On a sunny morning, Vladimir Putin goes out on the balcony of his apartment, looks to the east, and says, “Hello, sun!”

The sun replies, “Good morning my dear Mr. Putin; the beloved leader of our glorious socialist motherland, the hope of all progressive humanity and the guardian of peace on Earth!”

In the evening, Putin admires the beautiful sunset and fishes for another compliment: “Hello again, sun!”

The sun answers, “Go screw yourself Vlad, I'm in the West now!”

How'd the Austrailian buy his new chess set?
With a cheque, mate.


😛

Old lady: "I've just looked at myself naked when I came out of the shower, and I feel disgusted at how I look. Don't you want to cheer me up a li'l bit?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight..."