Jokes

Tomorrow my son and I are going to go shopping for glasses. After that, we'll see.

I opened up a restaurant. I called it "Peace and Quiet". Kids' meals: £150.

My kids bought me an alarm clock that just swears at you instead of a regular beep. That was a rude awakening.

What is a little bear with no teeth is called?

A gummy bear.

At one time, I had beautiful wavy hair.

Then, it waved "good bye" !!

My wife told me she has 14 reasons to leave me plus there's my obsession with tennis. I said: that's 15, love

My wife says I have two major faults. I don't listen. And something else.

I've got a fear of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid it.

It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub but it's a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

@FMF
You akin to Steven Wright?

@sonhouse said
@FMF
You akin to Steven Wright?

I haven't talked to my wife for a year. I didn't want to interrupt her.

@fmf said
I haven't talked to my wife for a year. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I told my landlord I gotta leak in my kitchen sink. He said: go ahead, I'm not judging.

@fmf said
I told my landlord I gotta leak in my kitchen sink. He said: go ahead, I'm not judging.