Jokes

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, “Anyone know CPR?” I said, “Hell ya. I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed...well except this one guy.🤔😲😁

Stolen from the comment section of the Grauniad:

A widower from Yorkshire goes to the monumental mason to look at his wife’s headstone. It reads: ‘She was thin’. “But you have forgotten the e!”, he exclaims. Later, he goes back to approve the revision: ‘Ee, she was thin’.

Tried to overcome my addiction to origami,

but eventually, I folded.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
Tried to overcome my addiction to origami,

but eventually, I folded.

I tried sushi once; took it home, cooked it, tasted just like fish. What’s all the fuss about it ?

place an ant in water
if the ant sinks, it is a girl ant
if the ant floats, it is buoyant

Just before I die, I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic.😲👍😁

You really should try blindfolded archery. You don't know what you're missing.

A fat man and a skinny man. The fat man says to the skinny man, “You look as if you’ve been through a famine.” The skinny man replies, “You look as if you caused it.”

@pianoman1 said
A fat man and a skinny man. The fat man says to the skinny man, “You look as if you’ve been through a famine.” The skinny man replies, “You look as if you caused it.”

Takes it to Debates, spanky!

When I was a kid, my dad accidentally glued an entire deck of my cards together. I couldn't deal with it.

I’m pining for a good tree pun, I wish they were more poplar!

@pianoman1 said
A fat man and a skinny man. The fat man says to the skinny man, “You look as if you’ve been through a famine.” The skinny man replies, “You look as if you caused it.”

The skinny man was George Bernard Shaw, the fat man was G.K. Chesterton.

I don't know whether the anecdote is true, but at any rate, they looked the part, and they were both sarky enough to make those remarks.

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything.

@great-big-stees said
I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, “Anyone know CPR?” I said, “Hell ya. I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed...well except this one guy.🤔😲😁

I've been through the whole thread, and this is still one of the best. 🏆

@kevin-eleven said
I've been through the whole thread, and this is still one of the best. 🏆

I applaud your preservance.

Obligatory joke:

As a young man just starting out…
… I was very poor.

But, I never gave up. And today, after many years of hard work and perseverance…





… I am old.