Jokes

My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it. So I did. We had a few drinks. He's quite a nice guy. And he's a web developer.

I had a great childhood. My dad used to roll me down hills in tyres. They were Goodyears.

Why do gnomes laugh when they run around on the lawn? Because the grass tickles their balls.

I asked my dog what two minus two is. He said nothing.

I ate a Kid's Meal at McDonald's yesterday. His mother was furious.

@fmf said
I ate a Kid's Meal at McDonald's yesterday. His mother was furious.

Your jokes just keep getting more lame, quit while you well behind.

-VR

My wife had been missing for a week. The police told me to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop and got all her stuff back.

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.”

She leaned forward.

“Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

My hamster has stolen all my graph paper.

I think he's plotting something...

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
/ Ronnie Corbett

My Uber driver said to me: "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do". I said to him: "Turn left here."

I quit being an Uber driver. I couldn't stand all those people talking behind my back.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Because Ken came in a different box.

I threw a ball for my dog yesterday. A bit over the top maybe. But he looked great in a tuxedo.

@fmf said
My wife had been missing for a week. The police told me to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop and got all her stuff back.

Thats a cracker