Jokes

Bartender to regular client: Howzit going, bro?
Bro: Great! Just had my first shot, waiting to get my second shot!
Bartender: Pfizer or Moderna?
Bro: Tequila!

On Facebook, don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.

They're nacho friend.

THE WIFE HAS JUST FOUND OUT THAT I SWAPPED THE BED FOR ATRAMOLINE

SHE HIT THE ROOF

i was visiting the mental ward of a reputable hospital
i asked the warden how she determined whether or not a patient needed to be admitted or patted on the head and sent packing
warden: "we use the bathtub test"
me: "how does that work?"
warden: "we show the potential inmate a full tub of water, and offer them a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub"
me: "AHA! you can tell right away if someone chooses the bucket they aren't nutty, right?"
warden: "no, the normal ones simply pull the plug"

"would you like a window bed or the one by the door?"

I seriously regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but hey, that’s just the power of Heinz sight.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I seriously regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but hey, that’s just the power of Heinz sight.

Big Groan!

-VR

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I seriously regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but hey, that’s just the power of Heinz sight.

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

the word phonetically is not spelled phonetically

@rookie54 said
the word phonetically is not spelled phonetically

What do chefs and journalists have in common?

They don't reveal their [sourcses/sauces] {phoentic joke}.

You know the punchline already!

My favourite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

@orangutan said
You know the punchline already!

Why are time travelling jokes so bad?

@orangutan said
Why are time travelling jokes so bad?

excellently well played

i had to find out about the hoopla
so i made avocado toast
it sucked and i gave it to my dog
now he wants glacier water in a dang hydroflask and for me to install led lighting in his dang ole doghouse

the things that fall from the taco
are the things i most want to eat
so i stuff that taco entirely in my mouth
and folks, this ain't an easy feat