Jokes

Bartender to regular client: Howzit going, bro?
Bro: Great! Just had my first shot, waiting to get my second shot!
Bartender: Pfizer or Moderna?
Bro: Tequila!

On Facebook, don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.

They're nacho friend.

THE WIFE HAS JUST FOUND OUT THAT I SWAPPED THE BED FOR ATRAMOLINE

SHE HIT THE ROOF

i was visiting the mental ward of a reputable hospital
i asked the warden how she determined whether or not a patient needed to be admitted or patted on the head and sent packing
warden: "we use the bathtub test"
me: "how does that work?"
warden: "we show the potential inmate a full tub of water, and offer them a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub"
me: "AHA! you can tell right away if someone chooses the bucket they aren't nutty, right?"
warden: "no, the normal ones simply pull the plug"

"would you like a window bed or the one by the door?"

I seriously regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but hey, that’s just the power of Heinz sight.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I seriously regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but hey, that’s just the power of Heinz sight.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I seriously regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but hey, that’s just the power of Heinz sight.

the word phonetically is not spelled phonetically

@rookie54 said
the word phonetically is not spelled phonetically

You know the punchline already!

My favourite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

@orangutan said
You know the punchline already!

@orangutan said
Why are time travelling jokes so bad?

i had to find out about the hoopla
so i made avocado toast
it sucked and i gave it to my dog
now he wants glacier water in a dang hydroflask and for me to install led lighting in his dang ole doghouse

the things that fall from the taco
are the things i most want to eat
so i stuff that taco entirely in my mouth
and folks, this ain't an easy feat