Jokes

My boyfriend got the vaccine and the worst side effect is that he won't shut up about it.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

when the folks are reporting the news about that ship stuck in the suez canal,

why don't they use the term "allegedly"?

@phil-a-dork said
Why do the British say Bri"ish

They drank all of the T

Why do psychics wear driving gloves?

Because cars need their privacy, too.

I gave my husband a dart and a world map and said where you hit that's where we will go for holiday when the pandemic is over. It appears we will be spending two weeks behind the refrigerator.

@torunn said
I gave my husband a dart and a world map and said where you hit that's where we will go for holiday when the pandemic is over. It appears we will be spending two weeks behind the refrigerator.

Why is Texas also known as the Lone Star State?
Because that was the highest rating it could get away with.


What's the similarity between a tornado and a southern divorce?
Someone is going to lose their trailer.

What do the horses of France eat?

Oat cuisine.

@kevin-eleven said
What do the horses of France eat?

Oat cuisine.

I wonder if the person who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder" ever came up with another phrase?

dammit
cussed at the cashier for being slow and putting my eggs at the bottom of the bag
NO MORE SELF-CHECKOUT

A blonde was tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.
A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing?" they ask her. The blond replies, "Hanging myself."
The men are confused and said, "If you are hanging yourself, you should put the rope around your neck."
"Duh...I tried that", the blond says, "I couldn't breath."

@ponderable said
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interes ...[text shortened]... ds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."