Jokes

My wife told me I was acting immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

trump read off that teleprompter with all the sincerity of a teenager forced to apologize for leaving a flaming bag of dog soup on his neighbor's porch

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I switched all the labels on my wife spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet....
but the thyme is cumin.

my toothbrush changes color when it's time for me to buy another

my underwear does this too

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

the nra filed for bankruptcy
schools been closed WAY too long

Flo: My boyfriend will be away for 6 months

Roz: What's he doing?

Flo: 6 months

Why did the camera flash go to jail?
It was charged with battery.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate.
The noun declines.

shamelessly stolen
still don't get it

As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe tour guide wasn't the best career choice for me.

@rookie54 said
shamelessly stolen
still don't get it

Don't worry. The rest of us do, and appreciate it.

Swans sing before they die. “‘Twere no bad thing,” wrote Coleridge, ”if some people die before they sing”.

some folks are like a slinky
they serve no purpose but to make you smile when you push them down the stairs