A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"
"No, I've been run over by a truck."
A blind man enters a woman's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while,
he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, buddy, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, buddy, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses
for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues,
"One day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
At this point, several of the children giggle.
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down.
They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says,
"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
@moonbussaid In centuries past, there was a German banking empire built by the Fugger family. You could make a similar joke out of that, I reckon.
A friend of mine whose family name is spelled F u c k n e r couldn't get her Microsoft certificate...they offered however to issue it on her birth name...
@ponderablesaid A friend of mine whose family name is spelled F u c k n e r couldn't get her Microsoft certificate...they offered however to issue it on her birth name...
Some years ago a repeat visit to the Antarctic caused the following headline:
'Sir Vivian Ernest Fuchs off to the Antarctic again'.
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist,
my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby".
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... your eyesight is excellent".
Jokes
27 Apr '21 14:09
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