Jokes

I always prefer the English spelling of ‘diarrhea’ which is ‘diarrhoea’ because it really looks like you’ve lost control of your vowels.

A man at a wedding reception gets up and go for his fourth helping of
lovely pudding and icecream.
His wife, "what are you doing! You're embarrassing yourself!"
Him, "not really, I tell them its for you."

One time at a rent party my band was putting on, in the middle of my guitar solo I noticed a dude that was the spittin image of Jimmy Page. After we finished our set he walked up to me and we started talking.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you look like Jimmy Page?
Jimmy: Yeah mate, I get that all the time, good thing I'm Jimmy Page.
I looked at him like, yeah rrrright.
With a smile he showed me his passport, sure enough! It was HIM!!
Jimmy: Can I see your guitar for a minute?
Me: (thrilled he wanted to see my guitar. It was a vintage Les Paul copy by Lotus) Sure thing here Jimmy!
Page takes the guitar, plays a few notes, some chords, some licks and riffs. Then he hands it back to me.
Jimmy: Nope, it's not the guitar.

@gambrel said
One time at a rent party my band was putting on, in the middle of my guitar solo I noticed a dude that was the spittin image of Jimmy Page. After we finished our set he walked up to me and we started talking.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you look like Jimmy Page?
Jimmy: Yeah mate, I get that all the time, good thing I'm Jimmy Page.
I looked at him like, yeah rrrright.
Wi ...[text shortened]... , some chords, some licks and riffs. Then he hands it back to me.
Jimmy: Nope, it's not the guitar.

@the-gravedigger said
That went down like a led balloon.

@ponderable said
I think I will write a book on lamps, it should be a bright idea.

@moonbus said
Just a little light reading, eh?

@orangutan said
Once he gets onto tungsten bulbs ... he'll be in his element.

Why do nuns get naked when they wash their clothes??

Just out of habit.

anymore, i don't usually roll a joint
but when i do, it's always an ankle

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Don't hold your farts.
It travels up your spine, and into your brain.
Thats where shytey ideas come from...

@pawnpaw said
Don't hold your farts.
It travels up your spine, and into your brain.
Thats where shytey ideas come from...

Parallel lines hooked up on a dating app but unfortunately weren’t able to meet.😲😢😁

What do you call an American parallelogram?


A parallelo-ounce