Jokes

"You're going to love this one!!" (An email forward from my sister in law Barbara in Massachusetts)

"Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.

He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would
have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.

Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your privates. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

And because all you have is Obamacare, She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

Jim's father was displeased with his son's grades, and thought it be a good idea to light the
fire of competitive motivation: "Son, why can't you be more like your friend Jack? He's
always been a good student, right?", to which Jim quickly replied: "But that's not fair. Jack's
dad is smart."

A hotel guest in Japan comes down to reception to make a few requests about the room he has just checked in to.

"The mini bar is empty. I'd like it filled."

"Very good, sir."

"I can't seem to adjust the air conditioning".

"Of course. We'll send a technician up."

"Could I arrange it so that no calls are put through to the room?"

"Right you are."

"And I'd like the porn disabled."

"All our porn is just regular porn, you creep!"

A man walks into a bar. Aaaaand that's how you know you've had too much.

Originally posted by Ponderable
Two scientists came into a bar, the first asked for H2O, the second for H2O, too. The second died.

Ok, this is rich. Kudos to whomever came up with it.

Hydrogen peroxide, with a twist!

Superman is flying over metropolis where he sees wonder woman lying naked on her back so he decided to do the deed the next morning he meets her for breakfast and enquires how she is she says she is fine but the invisible man is walking a bit funny.

Man was sat on a public toilet when suddenly the door burst open and a man reversed in, sat on the first man and let loose his bowels . After he sighed a sigh of relief it dawned on him some one was sat there first . Turning to the man he apologised " Sorry old boy ,but I didn't realise you were here "... the other man replied .." No need to apologise , I pulled your pants up before you sat down ".. 😏

I just recieved this email from my nephew:

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal is, and I said , " Fried chicken". She said that isn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what had happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much, I do, too...especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principles office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day the teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her that it was because Mom could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back into the principals office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents told me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired the most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

My sister pulled this one on me years ago. Knowing my Father, I fell for it.

She came to me with pity in her eyes and said "I have some bad news". I asked her what happened. She proceeded to tell me that our dad has two very bad black eyes.

As you can imagine I was getting my fighting blood ready to attack.

I asked how it happened? She said our dad was in line at the supermarket and a lady standing in front of him had her dress caught in her crack. So he just reached out and pulled it out for her. She turned around and punched him in the eye.

I was like oh man I almost can't believe he would do that. Still I know how absent minded he is and helpful he tries be.

I asked how he got the other black eye. She told me that he thought the stupid lady must have wanted it that way so, he poked it back in.

Originally posted by cashthetrash
My sister pulled this one on me years ago. Knowing my Father, I fell for it.

She came to me with pity in her eyes and said "I have some bad news". I asked her what happened. She proceeded to tell me that our dad has two very bad black eyes.

As you can imagine I was getting my fighting blood ready to attack.

I asked how it happened? She said ...[text shortened]... he told me that he thought the stupid lady must have wanted it that way so, he poked it back in.

Hardware shop owner puts an ad in the paper .." going away for a week need stand in " no one replied except HoHi the China man .
Hardware shop owner tells him he can have the job and stipulates that on his return there must be plenty of supplies.
After a week the owner returns ,opens his door and a cup of water balanced on the door falls on him ,the owner jumps back in shock and then walks in his shop suddenly he trips over an outstretched wire .
"Bloody hell "he says then as he walks further in a large cardboard box bursts open and HoHi jumps out and shouts " Supplies"...

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Originally posted by cashthetrash
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the ...[text shortened]... ips on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

An Oldie but Good One.

"My sister pulled this one on me years ago. Knowing my Father, I fell for it..." ~cash

Hilarious! My Dad but not quite; Mom would have been an incarcerated widow and we'd be fatherless. lol

A woman went into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she wanted a bottle of arsenic. The pharmacist looked perplexed and asked, "What in the world do you want with that? She said, "I would like to kill my husband". The pharmacist said, "You can't do that, it would be murder. You would go to prison and I would loose my license and probably go to prison right along side you."She then pulled out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed together and showed it to him. The pharmacist said, "No problem. I didn't know you had a perscription."

"If I woke up in the morning

and nothing hurt

I would think I was dead."

~Facebook (minutes ago)

lol

"Doctor,doctor I can't feel my legs .." I know " said the Doctor " I've cut your arms off "....
I got a wooden leg for Christmas ,it wasn't my main present it was just a stocking filler ..