@relentless-red saidFear of being smacked gets better results than talking.
Your first sentence before your edit agrees with the evidence. Talking to bad kids in reaction to bad behaviour doesn't get results either, it's much more about what you do to bring out the good stuff than how you react to the bad stuff.
It's a lesser of two evils.
@badradger saidYour wife is correct and the nuns were almost as tough on the girls as the boys.
my wife went to a catholic school she said the nuns were barbarians and beat the kids regulaly..... not quite so bad in the seniors, I on the other hand went to a state school(all denominations welcome) still got caned a few times, in secondry school there was allways bullies, so it was best to show them u were not a push over then u got caned for fighting.
-VR
@c-i-v saidI believe getting smacked makes one much tougher and you are more likely to do that with your children. It is abusive no two ways about it, it becomes a cycle passed on from one generation to the other.
Fear of being smacked gets better results than talking.
It's a lesser of two evils.
I am not in favor of it.
-VR
@torunn saidI wouldn’t describe my dad as having been cruel. I know he did his best for us as he’d had a much harsher upbringing in Poland. He never hit out at us with his hands and was very controlled at using the belt except on one occasion, when he lost it after my brother used his fishing line to make a bow and arrow. He snapped the bow which had been fashioned from a holly branch and hit my brother with it. That was more upsetting than getting a smack myself.
That's sad to read. Did you have your mother to protect you from your father and your brothers? I have learned that sometimes children could get spanked both by a teacher and parent for the same reason, so these children had nobody to turn to. My parents never raised a hand to harm me and I have no siblings, and no spanking in school either, so I lived a very protected life.
Edit: Spanking children and wives still happens but it is illegal.
The problem was that my parents had far too many children. The six of us needed far more time and attention than they had to give.
@drewnogal saidToo many siblings, and as for me, no siblings - I am an only child. You were raised perhaps to some extent by your siblings. There were little expectations on me, it was taken for granted that I would be fine, and my parents assumed that I appreciated not having to share my belongings or room with anybody. I was rarely told what to do, I became almost invisible.
I wouldn’t describe my dad as having been cruel. I know he did his best for us as he’d had a much harsher upbringing in Poland. He never hit out at us with his hands and was very controlled at using the belt except on one occasion, when he lost it after my brother used his fishing line to make a bow and arrow. He snapped the bow which had been fashioned from a holly branch ...[text shortened]... s had far too many children. The six of us needed far more time and attention than they had to give.
@torunn saidDid your parents ever consider having another child? I always wanted a second so that our first would never be stuck at home alone with older parents during a wet weekend.
Too many siblings, and as for me, no siblings - I am an only child. You were raised perhaps to some extent by your siblings. There were little expectations on me, it was taken for granted that I would be fine, and my parents assumed that I appreciated not having to share my belongings or room with anybody. I was rarely told what to do, I became almost invisible.
@drewnogal saidI was an accident...Mum and Dad had one boy, one girl, and that was it, then one fine day six years later Dad came over all unnecessary in the kitchen and there was I. Well I suppose it beats peeling the spuds...They never hit me though, not once.
I wouldn’t describe my dad as having been cruel. I know he did his best for us as he’d had a much harsher upbringing in Poland. He never hit out at us with his hands and was very controlled at using the belt except on one occasion, when he lost it after my brother used his fishing line to make a bow and arrow. He snapped the bow which had been fashioned from a holly branch ...[text shortened]... s had far too many children. The six of us needed far more time and attention than they had to give.
@drewnogal saidI wasn't meant to be. My mother fell in love with a man from Norway, temporarily staying in Sweden 1943-44, and she was left alone during the pregnancy. My stepfather, as far as I know, never insisted on another child in the family and she was happy to find a good man.
Did your parents ever consider having another child? I always wanted a second so that our first would never be stuck at home alone with older parents during a wet weekend.
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@torunn saidGreat answer. Not only for what you say, but the fact that you remain measured and reasonable. That's also important in the way that parents respond to the moments when a child's behaviour is at it's worst. What different parents actually do in those moments seems to be less important to future outcomes than the way they demonstrate or model measured and regulated emotion and placing value on remaining reasonable. Consistency also seems massively important as opposed to a world where just about anything might be possible and as you say, it is how you are the rest of the time that seems to be the most important.
Yes, and I will answer when I know what to say. 🙂
You sound as you assume that children are basically difficult to handle (like people did in the old days). Give them love and responsibility for a start.
Most structured ways of dealing with negative behaviour that psychologists use to get outcomes (such as three strikes and out, count to three to give a chance to put it right and avoid the consequence before it comes etc), are probably demonstrated as working because the child gets to see somebody being measured and fair and rather than feeling totally out of control they get a chance to put things right and avoid the consequence by practicing getting themselves under control and doing better. A chance to turn a bad situation into an opportunity to do some growing up.
@relentless-red saidYes, it's not what we say but what we do that matters.
Great answer. Not only for what you say, but the fact that you remain measured and reasonable. That's also important in the way that parents respond to the moments when a child's behaviour is at it's worst. What different parents actually do in those moments seems to be less important to future outcomes than the way they demonstrate or model measured and regulated emot ...[text shortened]... ontrol and doing better. A chance to turn a bad situation into an opportunity to do some growing up.
@Relentless-Red
And when those methods don't work? What would you do?
Lets role play.
I'm the kid. You're the dad.
"Take your 3 strikes and count to three's and shove it dad!"
(At this point I take a a bowl of soup and throw it against the wall and laugh at you)
What would you do?
Kids today know they can't get hit so those pre-school methods only work on toddlers.
Now pretend you have a 14 year old who stole your car and crashed it. What would you do?
I could not deal with kids of today while being limited by liberal parenting methods.
Count to 3? Lord have mercy 🙄
@c-i-v saidWhy would you have such a son?
@Relentless-Red
And when those methods don't work? What would you do?
Lets role play.
I'm the kid. You're the dad.
"Take your 3 strikes and count to three's and shove it dad!"
(At this point I take a a bowl of soup and throw it against the wall and laugh at you)
What would you do?
Kids today know they can't get hit so those pre-school methods only work on to ...[text shortened]... with kids of today while being limited by liberal parenting methods.
Count to 3? Lord have mercy 🙄