Religious humor

Dude dies and is lucky enough to go to heaven. St. Pete is showing him around:

"over there are the Catholic, over there are Baptists, over there are the Anglicans etc etc

"Who are those guys right over in the distance holding hands?" Says the dude.

"They are the Pentecostals" say St Pete "but shhhhh they think they are the only ones here!"

A rabbi and a catholic priest are discussing each other's careers. The rabbi asks the priest what he can expect in the way of progression.
"Well, with a bit of luck in a few years I'll be up for Bishop..."
"Bishop eh?" says the rabbi, "well that's good - and then?"
"Well, if that goes well, I could conceivably make Archbishop by the time I'm fifty." Chuckles the priest.
"Archbishop eh? Very grand, very impressive. And then?"
The priest raises an eyebrow. "Well, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that I could, eventually, make Cardinal."
The rabbi looks impressed. "Cardinal, oi vey, that would certainly be something! And then?"
A little exasperated now, the priest responds "Well, at some point the pope will die, and one of the cardinals is then elected to that holy office."
The rabbi nods and sips his coffee. "Pope eh? Yes, yes, very impressive. And then?"
The priest loses his patience at this. "Well for goodness' sake, do you think I can become god himself?!"
The rabbi nods sagely "Ah, well one of our boys did..."

You might be a fundy atheist if:

1. Your only knowledge of the Bible comes from verses with the words "smite", "bowels", "touching", and "hell fire" in them.

2. When someone says God bless you you make them take it back.

3. You think that Jesus camps are indoctrination but feel that the new atheist camps are liberating influences that stimulate free thinking.

4. You reject anything that does not follow the scientific method. Therefore, you reject everything and everyone that is not logical or reasonable. However, you do note that having to give up women as a result of this new life quest has caused unplanned agitaton and frustration.

5. You call a view held by a small percentage of the population as "common sense".

6. You believe that life came from nonlife but then refuse to believe that anyone has ever been raised from the dead.

7. You believe that the American forefathers who framed the Constitution were staunch diests and not Christians. However, when they are beating slaves they suddenly become Bible beating fundamentalists.

8. You use a small "g" when using God or an "x" in place of the name Christ, but you will spout off the planets using capital letters which were named after Roman gods.

9. You think marriage is an obsolete fundy institution......except when it comes to homosexuals.

10. You believe that gender roles are the product of Christian patriarchy, but homosexuals were just born that way.

11. You call a Christian a "Pauliane". You say this with the knowledge that all religion is evil, except when discussing the man named Jesus Christ. After all, he's a "good" guy.....not that "good" actually exists. In addition, Jesus is misunderstood. He never really meant all that stuff about God.

12, You think it cruel of God for killing all those babies in the great flood but then turn around and say that Christians are cruel for opposing women's right to abort their unborn children.

13. You think that the primary aim of an omnibenevolent God if for you to have fun or be happy.

14. You believe that extra drippy ice cream is a logical proof against the existence of God because an onmiscient God would know how to stop ice cream from being extra drippy. An omnipotent God would have the ability to stop ice cream from being extra drippy, and by golly, an omnibenevolent God would not want your ice cream to be extra drippy.

15. You spend the majority of your night trying to scratch out the words, "In God we trust" on all your money.

Originally posted by whodey
You might be a fundy atheist if:

1. Your only knowledge of the Bible comes from verses with the words "smite", "bowels", "touching", and "hell fire" in them.

2. When someone says God bless you you make them take it back.

3. You think that Jesus camps are indoctrination but feel that the new atheist camps are liberating influences that stimulate fr ht trying to scratch out the words, "In God we trust" on all your money.

mhuhaha,


1. Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.


2. Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.


3.How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.


4. Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.


5. How can you tell if an atheist lives in your refrigerator?
You find a copy of The God Delusion hidden in the cream cheese.


6.Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
God.
Who?
God.
Who?
God.
Must be the wind.

7.What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness???
A person that knocks on your door for no reason.

🙂

Originally posted by whodey
You might be a fundy atheist if:

1. Your only knowledge of the Bible comes from verses with the words "smite", "bowels", "touching", and "hell fire" in them.

2. When someone says God bless you you make them take it back.

3. You think that Jesus camps are indoctrination but feel that the new atheist camps are liberating influences that stimulate fr ...[text shortened]... ht trying to scratch out the words, "In God we trust" on all your money.

Funny stuff.

Originally posted by twhitehead
I have no problem being called 'dense' if you are willing to explain why you think that. If you don't then I have to take it that you actually think I was making sense, but rather than admit that, you must insult me.

You're so dense, you require someone to explain how you're being so when it is painfully obvious to the casual reader. Sigh. I'll help you anyway.

This thread was started for the express purpose of posting amusing anecdotes with religious themes. Troll-with-a-mission that you can be, within the first few posts you attempt to push the thread off-topic with a rant about the normative state of irrationality for religious people.

It's a joke, douche bag! Lighten the hell up!

Originally posted by AThousandYoung
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me...

http://www.playtheimmortalgame.com/board/showthread.php?threadid=130044

...and Jesus stood before the pit and said, "Let he who is w/o sin cast the first stone"

....and then a rock ...[text shortened]... on-out-of-texas-schoolbooks-

http://athousandyoung.blogspot.com/2010/05/jokes.html

Funny.

An Aremnian and a Calvinist were walking together down a staircase. The Calvinist tripped and fell rolling all the way to the bottom. The Armenian ran quickly after him to help him up and see if he were OK, to which the Calvinist replied, "Whew, I'm glad to have that over with."

An athiest dies and is very surprised to see
himself outside the gates of Heaven.

St.Peter: "Sorry, you cannot come in. Believers only."

Athiest: "But two weeks before I died I gave £5 to Christian Aid."

St.Peter: "OK, wait here. I'll have a word with the boss."

St Peter returns a few minutes later.

"You are correct. He is your £5.00 back, now get lost.!"

Originally posted by FreakyKBH
You're so dense, you require someone to explain how you're being so when it is painfully obvious to the casual reader. Sigh. I'll help you anyway.

This thread was started for the express purpose of posting amusing anecdotes with religious themes. Troll-with-a-mission that you can be, within the first few posts you attempt to push the thread off-top ...[text shortened]... ate of irrationality for religious people.

It's a joke, douche bag! Lighten the hell up!

"lighten up" coming from you is really funny.

Originally posted by FreakyKBH
This thread was started for the express purpose of posting amusing anecdotes with religious themes.

How was I supposed to know that? I am not a mind reader like you and don't know what whodey had in mind.

It looked more like he started the thread to try and make fun of atheists through a joke.

Troll-with-a-mission that you can be, within the first few posts you attempt to push the thread off-topic
with a rant about the normative state of irrationality for religious people.

It's a joke, douche bag! Lighten the hell up!
Its a joke, which attempts to make fun of me (as an atheist) by suggesting that being delusional is good for the health in some circumstances. I merely pointed that out. I also pointed out that such circumstances are rare, and the rest of the time, being delusional is a disadvantage.

You on the other hand seem to think the whole topic of the thread is "Insult twithead" - talk about being a troll!

What you don't seem to get is that jokes, like parables, fables, analogies etc contain more than just laughs, it can sometimes be interesting to analyze the content.

A taxi driver and a preacher get to heaven. The taxi driver gets a mansion and the preacher gets a hovel. When the preacher protests he gets the explanation. "While you were preaching everyone was sleeping, but when the taxi driver was driving, everyone was praying!"

Originally posted by twhitehead
How was I supposed to know that? I am not a mind reader like you and don't know what whodey had in mind.

It looked more like he started the thread to try and make fun of atheists through a joke.

Troll-with-a-mission that you can be, within the first few posts you attempt to push the thread off-topic
with a rant about the normative state of irrat etc contain more than just laughs, it can sometimes be interesting to analyze the content.

It looked more like he started the thread to try and make fun of atheists through a joke.

Ah shame. Can I recommend a good trauma counselor? 😛

Originally posted by twhitehead
How was I supposed to know that? I am not a mind reader like you and don't know what whodey had in mind.

It looked more like he started the thread to try and make fun of atheists through a joke.

[b]Troll-with-a-mission that you can be, within the first few posts you attempt to push the thread off-topic
with a rant about the normative state of irrat ...[text shortened]... etc contain more than just laughs, it can sometimes be interesting to analyze the content.

Whoa.