Originally posted by wolfgang59Church Ladies Update: Collectively their children appear to be progressing well in school.
No harm being reminded of old funnies and this one was new to me!
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Have this picture in my head of a motley group, heads bowed, shuffingly round the back.
LOL
"Here are a few of the boys and girls recent science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Th e brainium contains
the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight."
😀
Technical question: After posting the update above noticed a few spelling errors. Clicked Edit, corrected them,
clicked 'Post' but it refused to go. Tried again and the whole screen filled with print. Clicked the <- back arrow.
Edit screen was intact. Few more clicks and it finally took (=6 edits). Wonder what happened and why.
...................................
Prayer
God answers Knee-Mail.
The Boss
Under the same management for over 2000 years.
Come As You Are
You are not too bad to come in and you are not too good to stay out.
Insomnia Cure
If you can't sleep, try counting your blessings.
Nutrition
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Yummy
Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbin's.
Cosmetic Surgery
Come in and have your faith lifted.
Refunds
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will gladly take you back.
Seating Arrangements
Where will you be seated in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
Tithing
Give God what's right -- not what's left.
Which Way?
Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
Two Ears
Since God gave us two ears and one mouth, He must have wanted us to do twice as much listening as talking.
Stand
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.
Anger
The person who angers you, controls you!
Grading
God doesn't grade on the curve, He grades on the cross.
Flying
If God is your Copilot - you're in the wrong seat!
Unconditional Love
Yes, God loves us all, but He favors "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
The Message
Our job isn't to change the message. Our job is to let the message change us.
Promises
God didn't promise a calm passage. He promised a safe landing.
Praying
When you pray, don't give God instructions. Just report for duty!
Forbidden Fruit
A forbidden fruit will create many jams.
Greatness
You can tell how great a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
God's Will
The will of God will not take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.
Best Formula
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
Problems
The problem ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
Peace
Peace starts with a smile.
Benefits
Working for God does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world.
Coffee, Anyone?
How do we know that men, not women, made the coffee in Biblical times?
ANS: It clearly states that He-brews.
Short in Stature
Who is the shortest man in the Bible?
ANS: Knee High Myah.
Hymn
What is the Traditional Thanksgiving Hymn?
ANS: Low in the Gravy (Lay Jesus My Savior).
Boaz
What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
ANS: Ruthless.
Comedian
Who was the best comedian in the Bible?
ANS: Samson. He brought the house down.
Parents
Which Bible character had no parents?
ANS: Joshua. He was the son of Nun.
Germany
In Germany, what do they call their pastors?
ANS: German Shepherds.
Financiers
Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
ANS: Noah . He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation
Riches
Which area of Palestine was the wealthiest?
ANS: Next to the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
ANS: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Lawbreaker
Which man in the Bible was the most flagrant lawbreaker?
ANS: Moses. He broke all ten commandments at once.
Play Cards
Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?
ANS: Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Why Did We Move?
What reason did Adam give his children when they asked he no longer lived in Eden?
ANS: Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Babysitter
What baby sitter is mentioned in the Bible?
ANS: David. He rocked Goliath to a deep sleep.
Cars in the Bible
God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A Honda. The apostles were all in one Accord.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Originally posted by Grampy BobbyHad the same problem a few posts before and get it every so often since. When it comes up now, I know to simply hit the arrow back, go to forums and get back in line. Using that method, my posts never show up as edited.
Technical question: After posting the update above noticed a few spelling errors. Clicked Edit, corrected them,
clicked 'Post' but it refused to go. Tried again and the whole screen filled with print. Clicked the <- back arrow.
Edit screen was intact. Few more clicks and it finally took (=6 edits). Wonder what happened and why.
...................................
Originally posted by FreakyKBH"... go to the forums and get back in line." Click "Post" once. Screen fills with wall to wall characters.
Had the same problem a few posts before and get it every so often since. When it comes up now, I know to simply hit the arrow back, go to forums and get back in line. Using that method, my posts never show up as edited.
Hit arrow back, all the way back to the forums. Correct so far? Abandoned post then shows up?
Originally posted by Grampy BobbyTHEY"RE BACK... the bright eyed children of the church ladies have more to say:
Church Ladies Update: Collectively their children appear to be progressing well in school.
"Here are a few of the boys and girls recent science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to dri e word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight."
😀[/b]
Bible Study Humor
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, ' Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied John ny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. ' Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied.. 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
😀
Originally posted by Grampy BobbyI laughed til I puked. Or, at least, I think that was the order!
[b]THEY"RE BACK... the bright eyed children of the church ladies have more to say:
Bible Study Humor
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and ...[text shortened]... ows how to cook!'
😀[/b]