What do you think of this?

@C-J-Horse
It's a reasonable first draft - here is some constructive criticism.

1. The tempo of verses 1 and 3 is upbeat and conveys joy which is at odds with the final verse.
2. The final line of verse 2 has too many syllables; Telling me some news is better.
3. As rookie said, the denouement is unsatisfactory.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
@C-J-Horse

I rewrote it old chap. (Hope you don't mind? )


She waits for a letter,
like the burning of a fuse,
its content may destroy her
but she's desperate for news.

'He's dead he's dead!'
the letter cries,
what can she do,
but wipe her eyes?

I like the start but the second verse isn't up to your usual standard! 😉

@ghost-of-a-duke said
(Prolific repetition in a poem rarely works).

Depends on the audience and the context.
I'm used to children's poetry so repetition and rhythm are very familiar to me.

Also, I like the Night Mail by W H Auden

This is the night mail crossing the Border,
Bringing the cheque and the postal order,

Letters for the rich, letters for the poor,
The shop at the corner, the girl next door.

@c-j-horse said
Not great to be honest old chap. Doggerel, really.

I'll say again. I didn't write it.

You stick your head above the rampart then you'll get shot at.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I know sir, that's why I gave honest feedback.

(Prolific repetition in a poem rarely works).

Unless in villanelle form, such as Poe’s “”The Raven”

I think I disagree about prolific repetition in poetry rarely working. In fact, in this case, I think it is quite effective. The speaker in the poem is obsessively vexed with the anticipation of the letter to the point of repetition...then when the news of death comes, the focus changes with the same vexed attention. There is a rhythm to the repetition which gives it a mantric like quality.

Just my meager poetic assessment, for what it’s worth.

@Very-Rusty
For dam sure! My Martin D12-20 was brand new and I had taken it to the bar where he held court😉

So is guitar was a huge 12 string guitar almost the size of a guitarron.

So I asked him to play mine and he said, 'sounds nice, a bit small'😉

I asked him to teach me 'living in the country' a 12 string guitar instrumental and I have played it ever since.

About ten years later I was accidentally his opening act at Will Geer's ranch in Hollywood where he had a stage and did theater and music shows. This particular production was a tribute to Woody Guthrie and there were a bunch of old folkies there including Pete who ran with Woody a long time ago. So a dude was supposed to go on but didn't show up so Will asked me if I would go up so I did and played instrumental stuff on my guitar for about 15 minutes and then it was Pete himself. What a day that was.

The original poem slightly reminds me of the Norma Tanega lyrics that were adopted as the theme song to “What We Do In the Shadows”:

Don't sing if you want to live long
They have no use for your song
You're dead, you're dead, you're dead
You're dead and outta this world

You'll never get a second chance
Plan all your moves in advance
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead
Stay dead and outta this world

Run fast don't stand in the sun
There's too much work to be done
You're down, you're down, you're down
Youre down and outta this world

Don't ever talk with your eyes
Be sure that you compromise
You're dead, you're dead, you're dead
You're dead and outta this world

Hear the unloved weeping like rain
Guard your sleep from the sound of their pain
Long gone, long gone, long gone
Long gone and outta this world

When you smile and it tears your face
It's time for the inhuman race
You're down, you're down, you're down
You're down and outta this world

Now your hope and compassion is gone
You've sold out your dream to the world
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead
You're dead and outta this world

YouTube

@ghost-of-a-duke said
Prolific repetition in a poem rarely works

i once wrote a poem with a repetitive line
it was about ms hakima and her ability to lose her keys with aplomb
i wonder if i still have that

@c-j-horse said
Not great to be honest old chap. Doggerel, really.

I'll say again. I didn't write it.

Your first sentence is fascinatingly ambiguous. It could mean that the experience of being honest isn't great and I think it is true that you have to be brave to be honest. It could also mean (as I think was consciously intended) that you felt the revised version of the poem wasn't great. A sentence full of mischief.

@sonhouse said
@Very-Rusty
For dam sure! My Martin D12-20 was brand new and I had taken it to the bar where he held court😉

So is guitar was a huge 12 string guitar almost the size of a guitarron.

So I asked him to play mine and he said, 'sounds nice, a bit small'😉

I asked him to teach me 'living in the country' a 12 string guitar instrumental and I have played it ever since.
...[text shortened]... rumental stuff on my guitar for about 15 minutes and then it was Pete himself. What a day that was.

An excellent memory to keep forever!

-VR

@rookie54 said
i once wrote a poem with a repetitive line
it was about ms hakima and her ability to lose her keys with aplomb
i wonder if i still have that

I think I still have it somewhere...

No one ever wrote a poem about me with so many stanzas...

@hakima said
I think I still have it somewhere...

No one ever wrote a poem about me with so many stanzas...

Starting to sound like a love story here! 🙂

-VR

lol
cain't get it past the automod